To vaccinate or not to vaccinate children: When parents disagree and what they should do

Disagreements between parents are common, from choosing where to spend the holidays to which schools their child should attend. But for many parents in today’s pandemic climate, these arguments can range from masking up to which friends their children can be around.

And with Gov. Gavin Newsom’s plan to require students to get the COVID-19 vaccine to attend in-person schools and pending approval from the Food and Drug Administration for vaccinating children ages 5 to 11, tensions between divergent parents may intensify.

“I’ve worked with many couples who have political differences, who are divorced or still together, where this would definitely be an issue,” said Kathleen Oravec, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Sacramento.

Oravec said she has seen couples visit her due to disagreements over one of them getting or not getting the vaccine. And if the FDA approves the shot for young children, she said she expects more parents coming in for guidance.

She added that fear mainly propels these disputes.

“Usually you hear, ‘I’m really scared. I’m afraid. I don’t know what will happen in a year or two years,’” she said. “‘What if something happens to my child and I feel I am responsible because I got them vaccinated.’”

While the other parent may want their child vaccinated against COVID-19 because there is no indication of risks, she said.

Holly Davis, a family law trial attorney and founding partner of Kirker Davis LLP, said she also anticipates a big wave of divorce cases once there is an FDA-approved vaccine available for children under 12.

Disputes over the vaccine for the coronavirus are unlike those for other required vaccines, such as the one for polio.

“This vaccine hasn’t been on the market for a very long time,” said Davis. “So the duration of time that it’s been around is the only thing that makes a difference.”

Attorney Brent Kaspar said disagreeing parents are already filing cases over vaccines, as well as due to different philosophies on masks and who their child can socialize with. Kaspar, the founder and managing partner of Kaspar & Lugay LLP, said vaccines are “not necessarily causing the divorce itself.”

“I think a lot of the political views have sort of been ignited by vaccines,” he said. “That’s created a lot of strife, too.”

Meldie Moore of Moore Law for Children said that the firm has seen one instance where a mother wanted to vaccinate an adult-aged child with a disability and the father disagreed.

This follows cases where divorced parents had disputes over whether one parent was keeping their child safe by social distancing and masking in the beginning of the pandemic.

Attorneys and therapists are recommending parents communicate and be transparent.

“One of the pieces of advice we’re giving everybody is to really start having these discussions now with your ex,” Davis said.

Allen Wagner, a licensed marriage and family therapist, said parents should not make decisions based on fear. Rather, they should look at data and objective research and talk to their doctor to determine what is best for their children.

Oravec, on the other hand, recommends addressing the issue on an “emotional level.”

“The best way to approach this is actually not factual,” she said. “And that seems counterintuitive. Why not lay out the facts?

“Because this is a very, very emotional issue. If you start laying out facts to somebody, like ‘the CDC said’ or ‘Tucker Carlson said,’ it’s not going to work. It makes people defensive. When people are defensive, they’re not listening,” she said.

Instead, she said parents should talk about their feelings.

“Fear is a huge driving factor with these kinds of decisions and you really have to work through it,” said Oravec. “You kind of have to unite on the fact that (you) both want what is best for (your) child and (you’re) both scared because there is an unknown.”

Oravec also recommends involving the child’s pediatrician and speaking with a therapist.

“Ideally, it would be great if they could work it through in their own household,” she said. “But I really recommend they get somebody who’s professional, who can handle it. Because sometimes couples just go round and round in circles. It leads to more frustration and more disconnect.”

If the child is old enough to vocalize what they want and how they feel, Oravec said parents should listen to them, too.

Davis also suggests that parents make compromises and agreements. In terms of vaccine mandates in the future for education, she said more responsibility should be given to the parent who does not want to vaccinate the child.

For example, if one parent doesn’t want their child vaccinated, but there’s a requirement for public schools, she said, that parent should create an alternative plan for the child’s education.

“There’s still plenty of time before the mandate actually goes in where you actually got to get this handled,” said Kaspar. He said parents should try to see the issue from their partner’s side and try to co-parent.

This story was originally published October 15, 2021 at 9:48 AM with the headline "To vaccinate or not to vaccinate children: When parents disagree and what they should do."