‘Am I being selfish?’ Why I want to ban this damaging word from the dictionary

If I ran the world, I’d ban the word “selfish” from the English language.

Dictionary.com defines selfish as “devoted to or caring only for oneself; primarily concerned with one’s own interests regardless of others.”

At first, that definition seems both accurate and benign.

Unfortunately, the term “selfish” is commonly used to denigrate women, especially young women — and it has devastating consequences for their mental health.

In my lengthy career as a family therapist, I listened as women repeatedly grappled with the concept of selfishness.

It seemed that any time they felt unsure about what they were doing, they identified at least part of the problem as being selfish.

“Should I break up with my boyfriend? Or am I just being selfish?”

Young women were especially vulnerable to this thought process.

They viewed problems with peers and adults through the am-I-selfish filter: “If I change my major from biology to dance, my parents will be so disappointed. They’ve wanted me to be a doctor since I was little. Am I selfish for wanting to do that?”

Those same adults and peers were quick to accuse their friends and daughters of acting in selfish ways: “She never thinks of anyone but herself. She’s just so selfish.”

Interestingly, selfishness was seldom the actual problem. Rather, these women were dealing with normal developmental issues or important life-altering decisions.

Teenage girls are already emotionally fragile. One study found that 29% of all 14-year-old girls feel unhappy about their appearance.

Rather than obsessing about being selfish, efforts would be better spent focusing on setting goals, prioritizing options, or developing a healthier self- image.

Many women view an accusation of selfishness as an inexcusable crime.

They place an inordinately high value on their roles as caretakers and friends and pride themselves on being sensitive to those same people’s needs.

Being charged with selfishness is equivalent to having failed, to not measuring up to a pre-determined societal norm.

The blame can be internal as well. Women too often deride themselves for being selfish when, in fact, they’re simply taking care of their own needs.

Even women who forego relationships and families find themselves defending against charges of being selfish for their choices and actions.

I seldom heard male clients of any age engage in this emotional turmoil.

Worries about being selfish were missing from their mental databases.

There may be neurological reasons why women are selfish averse.

Research shows that women’s brains released the feel-good chemical dopamine when they put others’ needs ahead of their own. Men’s dopamine levels increased when they made decisions that benefited themselves.

Women’s inherent desire to please may set the stage for emotional anguish whenever they fear they’ll disappoint.

That’s why I’d like to kick selfish down the road with all the labels and judgments it implies. Then, we can switch the focus to self-care and underlying issues waiting to be addressed.

Let’s try reframing problems in new terms, such as “I’m not sure how to handle this” or “I’m feeling really uncomfortable.”

Let’s also try to catch ourselves in the act of using “selfish” without any thought. It’s a dangerous and painful word.

We can all do better.