For SLO retiree, husband’s hand surgeries offer reminder to practice ‘spousal patience’

Much of my past three months has been spent assisting my husband through two relatively minor hand surgeries.

His prognosis is excellent and he’s uber appreciative of my efforts on his behalf.

Still, the experience has provided me with lots of opportunities to practice spousal patience.

Spousal patience is the presence of personal calm in the face of irritating relational circumstances — like being pleasant when your mate’s being overly dramatic, or quietly listening to a story you’ve heard at least 10,000 times.

The opposite state is spousal impatience, a form of low-grade anger usually directed at an identifiable source.

For instance, you’re agitated because your wife repeatedly asks for assistance to do activities that she’s capable of performing on her own.

Spousal impatience is a three-part process. It begins with an unhappy thought — “My husband is whining” — that leads to muscular tension.

That tension then gets expressed as a snappish retort: “Quit complaining!”

The whole transaction can happen in a blink and frequently takes place off the radar of our awareness.

The result is hurt feelings on both sides of the marital equation.

You feel bad for losing your temper. Your mate feels demeaned by your words and expression.

Your relationship is forced to retreat to its proverbial corner to lick its wounds. Or the incident escalates into an unpleasant row.

It’s easy to see why this pattern happens in marriages and other long-term relationships.

Due to partners’ close and extended proximity, and the many issues we’re forced to navigate and resolve as couples, we’re constantly bombarded with frustrations large and small.

The situation intensifies when one member is ill or requires care, and continues to worsen as the severity and length of time of the illness increase.

That’s why I choose to practice spousal patience whenever possible — especially when tensions are already taut due to surgeries.

How do I make it happen? I start by creating calm. I clear my calendar of as many potential stressors as possible in order to devote attention where it’s needed most — to my ailing hubby’s well-being.

Next, I direct my thoughts toward positive topics.

Now is not the time to ruminate over our past disagreements, grouse about a difficult neighbor or rail about rising gas prices. Those thoughts undermine the Zen-like mindset I want to foster.

Instead, I reflect on all my blessings: My husband will recover. We have a lovely home. Our family is safe and well.

If Hubby says something irritating, I try not to take the bait. I know I have control over my reactions. Instead of being snarky I can take a deep breath, smile and not respond.

Finally, I practice oodles of self-care. I take frequent walks with friends, share frustrations with trusting ears, pick green beans in my garden and engross myself in delicious books.

Of course, I’m far from perfect. There are times when patience eludes me, when I long for a condo in Cabo with room service and pampering of my own.

Sometimes I simply need to level with my mate: “What you’re doing is not okay. Please don’t do that again.”

But then I come back to reality. This is exactly where I find myself now.

Things could be horrifically more serious. So, I’ll practice spousal patience as best I can.