Sleeping apart may mean trouble for couples

Sleeping in the same bed was once synonymous with being married — like a gold band on your finger or a joint bank account.

But that trend is changing. A random telephone survey conducted by the National Sleep Foundation in 2001 found that 12 percent of married American couples slept alone. A 2005 update of the survey showed the number had jumped to 23 percent.

The change in lifestyles is even impacting home design. According to the National Association of Home Builders, the number of “two-master bedroom” homes rose steadily since 1990. The NAHB estimates that soon 60 percent of all custom upscale homes will be built with two “owner suites.”

Separate sleepers cite a nightstand full of reasons for their behavior. Spouses may snore heavily or have sleep apnea. Some folks are light sleepers and, once awakened, have trouble falling back to sleep. A wife might want her poodle beside her on the blanket. Hubby insists on watching TV into the wee hours of the night.

Kids are a factor, too. Dr. William Sears, leader of the “attachment parenting” movement, reports in “The Baby Sleep Book” that two-thirds of American families say they “sometimes” or “always” sleep with their children.

When I hear couples are sleeping in separate bedrooms, my initial reaction is “uh-oh. There’s trouble.” I surmise that at least one of the parties is pulling away from the other. They’ll spend less and less time together. Sex will come to a screeching halt.

Spouses often go to great lengths to deny underlying hostility. For instance, a wife may rationalize, “I sleep in the baby’s room so that she doesn’t get frightened.” Still, the outcome is the same. One member of the relationship feels ignored. The marriage suffers as a result.

But that’s not always the case. Separate bedrooms work wonders for some couples. It’s an acceptable solution to sleep-related issues, not a symptom of marital unrest.

My bias? Sleep together if you can. Choose separate bedrooms if you must. Either way, make cuddling and sex a top priority. Your marriage depends on it.

‘BEDIQUETTE’ TIPS

Make sleeping together a priority. Be willing to explore all options that promote co-sleeping. Your cooperation speaks volumes about your commitment to the marriage.

Be willing to compromise. Listen closely to your partner’s concerns. If some facet of the sleeping arrangement is particularly troublesome, consider changing. Don’t let it become a point of contention.

Make the bed. A neat and tidy bed is more attractive and inviting than a pile of rumpled covers. Take a few seconds to enhance everyone’s mood.

Declutter the bedroom. Piles of junk create bad juju. Put things away. Create an emotional oasis for you both.

Keep Fido on the floor. You’re in bed to snuggle with your honey, not your schnauzer. Buy pet beds for the animals.

Minimize technology. Televisions, computers, iPads and cellphones are all potential distractions. Consider banning them from the boudoir or curtail usage to specific times. At the very least, be sensitive to a loved one’s desire to talk or canoodle.

This story was originally published February 24, 2015 at 4:49 AM with the headline "Sleeping apart may mean trouble for couples."