Grief and sorrow can be constant companions, especially during the holidays

I try to wake up every day with optimism, love and enthusiasm. Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much.

I’m trying.

This past year has been super challenging, with lots of grief, regrets and hiding out in my office to keep from dealing with today because I cannot yet deal with yesterday.

Nor can I change it, much as I want to.

I’d so much rather be enjoying Christmas outings, events and carols (even shopping!) than continuing to deal with continuing waves of grief about the sudden death of my live-in son in June, and about my husband’s prolonged death five years ago.

That double whammy is like living with my dominant hand tied behind my emotional back, leaving me less able to feel and enjoy all the season has to offer.

I know I’m not alone.

Social media is full of postings about people feeling disconnected and discontented during this classically festive season.

Those poignant pieces about grief are almost equal in numbers to postings touting “the perfect gift” and people exulting about the wonderful time they’re having or are planning to have.

The contrast can be jarring.

So is living with the mantle of grief, which can be well-behaved for a time, but which jumps to the forefront without advance notice.

And then there are the emotional minefields of the holidays, the wouldas, couldas and shouldas that haunt us, especially when the sun sets before dinnertime.

Shoulda done this, coulda done that, woulda done so many things if only I’d known what was ahead.

That’s when I’m wracked by haunting memories of finding my son’s body in his bed, of watching my husband die at home … by all the questions I have that will never be answered.

I fall apart, then pull myself together. Only to be knocked down again on some other random day.

Sometimes, the triggers are obvious: anniversaries, birthdays and, of course, festive holidays.

Sometimes, grief roars in when you least expect it.

Recently, I was stalling and scrolling, and came across a random video of an incredible voice singing “Bring Him Home,” the intensely emotional song from “Les Misérables.”

I was hooked. I listened to the entire thing. And it blindsided me.

Advice: If you’re grieving, stay away from performances of that song.

Grief never goes away, I’m told. Not what I want to hear.

But it is supposed to change and soften into the life partner we’ll carry with us for the rest of our own lives.

Can we make a difference for ourselves? I believe so, at least some of the time

Still, I firmly believe our minds can help to set the agenda for each day. So, again I try.

Every day, I try.

Most days, I succeed, at least to some extent.

We cannot change the calendar: It is the holidays.

I rely heavily on lovely memories, music and humor to get me through them.

I’ll just have to be fussier about the music in the future.

I’m more fortunate than many in my position. I’m still working, albeit parttime, and the reporter’s job that I enjoy gives me an anchor, a framework, a jumpshot of enthusiasm, a reason to talk to others outside my usual circle and the motivation to get up in the morning. As a plaque on my desk says, “The ultimate motivation is a deadline.”

Without it, motivation is hard to come by these days, especially now that I live alone for the first time in my life.

I am blessed with loving friends, delightfully helpful neighbors and family members willing to fly in or drive up frequently to spend time with me, check on me, lift my spirits, schlep me around and keep my mind and emotions busy.

Two of them, Sean and Jenny Tanner, will be here to spend a week with me through Christmas morning. How special and loving is that?

Here’s hoping all of us can find time to enjoy our holidays, whichever we celebrate, at least most of the time.

And if grief is part of your holiday, know you’re not alone.

You. Will. Get. Through. This.

Again.

I wish for you (and myself) merry, merry, happy, happy, love, love, self-forgiveness and peace.

This story was originally published December 16, 2025 at 5:00 AM.

Kathe Tanner

Opinion Contributor,

The Tribune

805-781-7904 (voicemails only)

Kathe Tanner has been writing about the people and places of SLO County’s North Coast since 1981, first as a columnist and then also as a reporter. Her career has included stints as a bakery owner, public relations director, radio host, trail guide and jewelry designer. She has been a resident of Cambria for more than four decades, and if it’s happening in town, Kathe knows about it.