Opinion Columns & Blogs

If 3 Californias make sense, wouldn't 135 be even better?

Nitt Witt Ridge at 881 Hillcrest Drive in Cambria.
Nitt Witt Ridge at 881 Hillcrest Drive in Cambria. dmiddlecamp@thetribunenews.com

Allow me to be the first to humbly ask for your vote for governor of the future great state of West Obispo.

Let me explain: Venture capitalist Tim Draper has qualified a milksop measure to divide California three ways and has hired a Brexit campaign consultant.

His idea suffers from completely inadequate imagination and dash. I propose a far more visionary “Alleyway to Tomorrow” as leader of the Balderdash ticket.

What we need is revolutionary effectiveness, like they had during the Revolutionary War.

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California needs to be broken into ideal, Rhode Island-sized pieces — 135 of them.

(Of course we will be breaking up Texas, Alaska and the other 49 oversized states, too.)

This would give former Californians 270 senators instead of just two. We also would have access to dozens of Coastal Commissions and hundreds of state legislatures, DMVs and Highway Patrols.

San Luis Obispo County alone would become at least three states.

As governor of the great, soon-to-be State of West Obispo, I would work every day to make you proud.

The current thinking is to locate the governor’s mansion at Nitt Witt Ridge, or Hearst Castle.

Cambria, California, home Nitt Witt Ridge is known as a poor man's Hearst Castle. Art Beal constructed the San Luis Obispo County historical landmark, a folk art environment, with building materials such as beer cans and abalone shells.

North County citizens will want their own state with a capital in Templeton, next to Twin Cities Hospital. Another proposal would place it next to Ravine Waterpark - now a state park.

South County residents could locate their capital in the Village of Arroyo Grande, where the roosters could be trained to peck at any lawmaker who strays too far from the party line.

My first legislation will be to prohibit any area from calling itself “Five Cities” until there are actually five incorporated cities in the area.

The smokestacks in Morro Bay will be converted into glitter cannons that fire on the hour in a red, white and blue Old Faithful style display. This will eventually coat Morro Rock with a shimmering shell that will draw tourists from the other 134 states.

West Obispo won’t need a prison the size of CMC and will convert that into a spartan but secure gated retirement facility.

Cal Poly will have a permanent, #1 spot on the “Best State University” list.

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State football championships will be easier to attend, since they’ll be much closer.

The breakup also will unleash unrealized potential throughout the states.

The Owens Valley can become verdant farmland again, since water will no longer have to piped to irrigate the lawns of Los Angeles.

Hetch Hetchy Reservoir, no longer harnessed to San Francisco, can be drained to return the valley to Yosemite-like status.

We shall end the tyranny of Disneyland discounts for Southern Californians.

We can finally have the 135 high speed rail systems we so desperately need.

There is some concern that the avocado producing areas will be isolated from toast production centers, but surely an Interstate Toast Compact will keep toast tariffs from spiraling out of control.

Remember the 135 candidates for governor in the recall election of 2003? Now they can all be elected.

Except one — that seat is mine.

Vote Balderdash.

Tribune photographer and columnist David Middlecamp has no plans to enter politics .... ever.