Hundreds of people will die this Thanksgiving week as a result of eating turkey, either by food poisoning from undercooked turkey, choking or heart attacks from overindulgence.
This makes turkeys a far more dangerous threat than guns. Therefore, in the interest of public safety, we must institute a “turkey control” program patterned after gun control, i.e., demand a 15-day waiting period to purchase turkey, turkey purchases must be registered with BTC (Bureau of Turkey Control), turkeys must be locked and in a special case separate from the stuffing, and stuffing must be heavily taxed and limited to five spoonfuls per bird.
August Salemi, Atascadero
Premium content for only $0.99
For the most comprehensive local coverage, subscribe today.