Smart phones are too smart

Although I am a self-confessed Luddite and have a tendency to reject new technology, my wife is just the opposite. She generally embraces all things new.

I was an English major and, as everyone knows, English majors have no usable skills. My wife, on the other hand, earned her college degree in electronics.

So it was only natural that she would outgrow her ancient flip phone that performs one singular task — making and receiving phone calls.

She wanted a more intimate connection with adult brothers and sisters and eventually grandchildren. She was also fond of the fact that she could be looking things up on her phone rather than having to go upstairs and get on our computer, which is plugged into the wall.

So last week we entered what to me looked like the Twilight Zone set up in a San Luis Obispo storefront and bought one of those new smartphones. I would soon learn just how smart.

We encountered at least three different clerks who shared the various tasks of getting the phone up and running.

It resembled a scene from auto racing when the driver pulls his race car into the “pit” and a team jumps in to change tires, top off the gas tank, give the driver a cold bottle of water, and anything else that can be done in less than a minute. It is how I remember things happening when I was a kid and Dad pulled into a gas station — there was someone pumping gas, another checking the air in the tires and oil level, and yet another washing the windshield.

The team loaded a bunch of stuff onto the phone before even taking it out of the box. There were more keystrokes on a nearby computer than it takes to write this weekly column. Once we got to see the new phone, my wife had to come up with passwords for functions we don’t even remember. At least I don’t.

Knowing that at our age we might not remember everything they told us on the morning we purchased the phone, we bought a 600-page manual at the book store on our way back to the car.

So two days after purchasing the new phone, we wanted to “get acquainted” with it. It could even talk to us if we wanted it to, or we could ask it questions by voice without hitting any keys, which, as far as I am concerned, are too small for human fingers anyway.

My wife is going to take a basic training class to become more acquainted with her new phone. As we walked out of the store, I clutched my little flip phone a little tighter, hoping it understands how much I love it.

This story was originally published March 2, 2015 at 1:26 PM with the headline "Smart phones are too smart."