‘So devastating.’ SLO County author offers advice for parents in wake of Texas shooting
Once again, there’s a horrifying new meaning for the phrase “Texas massacre.”
The world reels from yet another unthinkable act of hate — a mass shooting in Uvalde, Texas, that killed 19 elementary school students and two teachers.
For one group of people, the news of the killings at Robb Elementary School was more than just an emotional gut punch. They are the parents, guardians and families of children who have died.
I cannot begin to imagine the anguish they’re feeling now.
It doesn’t matter how long about those children died, or whether they perished from illness, accident, war or a senseless, random attack against one person or many.
For still-grieving parents, the reflexive emotional response is the same: The pain over their personal trauma hits again full force.
Reactions to mass violence are complex, with grief, shock and horror overlaid by fury, frustration and an increased sense of helplessness.
SLO County author has experience as grieving parent
As a retired grief counselor and a grieving parent, Claire Aagaard, has the personal and professional experience to know how to deal with such traumatic incidents can trigger, especially when they involve children.
Her young son Eric died in 1984, after an accident that left him in a vegetative state for 10 months.
The Atascadero woman shares her expertise in her recent book, “When a Child Dies: A Hopeful Healing Guide for Surviving the Loss of a Child.”
When a child dies, Aagaard said, “the parental loss is so devastating. In the beginning, every parent doesn’t know if they can really survive it, and if they do, what will that look like? Will they ever again be able to experience joy and all the things that make up our quality of life?”
Aargaard said, quietly, “as their therapist, I was able to stand there in front of them, able to function, and tell them that yes, they will.”
She explained that “the death of one child can affect the whole community. The death of so many shakes the entire community (and beyond) to its core. We’re all invested in the children, and we all feel the perceived, shared failure to protect them.”
Aagaard hopes her knowledge can help those who are mourning losses in Texas, as well as the people who want to provide them with the right kind of support, but don’t know exactly what that could be.
How to talk to kids about Texas school shooting
She also wants to provide insights to parents about how to address the painful topics with their children.
“It is such a difficult topic but one we all need to talk about,” Aagaard said. “So many kids are suffering from so much anxiety these days, I feel its vitally important that we do our best to relieve it when we can.”
She stressed to “not give them more information than they need to hear. Answer them honestly, but be open to hearing their thoughts, and remind them that it’s OK to be sad together about something like this.”
Reassurance is crucial, Aagaard said.
“It is important that we aren’t afraid to have loving and honest conversations with them, but at the same time (it’s) equally important that they know their job is to be a kid and our job is to take care of them,” she said. “Tell them we’re aware of how scary this is, and we’re here to protect you.”
According to Aagaard, a good place to start is engaging in one-on-one conversation with your kids — either in person or over the phone via Facetime or Zoom. She recommends encouraging them to talk and then listening quietly to them.
“Show up. Often,” she said. “In our society, we don’t allow a lot of time for grief and mourning, which often leaves the bereaved feeling somewhat isolated in our ‘fixit’ society. We want to say something or do something that makes it better.”
We can’t, she said.
Instead, Aagaard continued, “just let them know you care, that whatever they’re going through, no matter how they’re dealing with it, you’re there for them. Listen to what they’re feeling, not judging or trying to fix it.
“Love is bigger than anything else, so reaching out to one another can be so helpful,” she said. “We’re not immune. Nobody is. That’s what’s so frightening. We have to ground ourselves in our own realities.”
“I watch the news, and weep for the children, the families, the communities and us,” Aagaard continued. “What can I do? You want to get on a plane to go help,” but that’s rarely possible or useful.
Keeping it personal usually is the best avenue, she said. “Start where you are … Reaching out to one another is so helpful. Be that place of love and support. The value of that can never be overstated.”
Aagaard’s book “When a Child Dies” is sold locally at Volumes of Pleasure in Los Osos and Coalesce Bookstore in Morro Bay, and can be purchased via Amazon and Target. It’s also available in audiobook format.
Resources for families
Looking for more ways to help guide children and grieving adults through the uncertain aftermath of yet another mass incident at a school?
Hours after the Texas killings, San Luis Obispo County Schools Superintendent James Brescia sent an email about steps the county Office of Education and law enforcers are taking to make sure that local schools are as safe as possible.
“We must continue to take care of ourselves and one another as we experience shock, grief, anger, and despair,” he said.
Brescia suggested the following sites as resources:
- National Child Traumatic Stress Network: nctsn.org
- National Association of School Psychologists: nasponline.org
- Child Mind Institute: childmind.org
- American Counseling Association: counseling.org
This story was originally published May 31, 2022 at 5:00 AM with the headline "‘So devastating.’ SLO County author offers advice for parents in wake of Texas shooting."
