5 questions to sort out facts, feelings in a discussion

I’ve had folks tell me as soon as they see the word “kid” in an article they automatically turn the page. But, (a) you were once a kid and (b) “parenting skills” can most often be applied to spouses, work associates as well as yourself. Take what I’m about to present here, “ways to build resiliency.”

There is no set manual per se that teaches one to understand and perfectly interpret emotions. This, I believe, has led to all manner of social unrest and injustice. Just sayin’.

Yet, we expect little children to handle the stress of school, social development and family dynamics with aplomb. When your own stress level is perceived as higher than that of anyone around you, what do you do? Yell louder than they do? Shut them down? Enforce unrealistic expectations?

A friend of mine recently posted a link to an article from Mothering Magazine (a publication that I subscribed to in print when I first had children). Teach Your Child to Gently Work Through a Mistake With These 5 Questions” (http://bit.ly/23YRcvb). Seriously, this applies to us all.

The piece points out the importance of separating the facts from the feelings in the event of a mistake or tense situation. Many of us are familiar with active listening, repeating back what you hear a person saying until there is agreement about what is actually being said. In this case, repeat back only the facts, not the feelings. How many of you, in a conversation with a friend complaining, let’s say, about someone at work, blurt out something like, “Wow, that sucks! How mean of that person?” or some such sympathetic response?

While venting is good, facts and feelings can get mixed up easily and make a solution more difficult to reach. I am embarrassed to report that I, myself, would ask the boys when they got in trouble (not my boys!) what they did to provoke the situation. Even though you need to know that facts, I was automatically inferring blame for them. That was a no-win situation. Nor would it be helpful if I simply witnessed their feelings and ran momma-bear-style to the teachers and yelled at them without knowing all the facts.

So, try these:

▪  “What happened?” Again, help separate the facts from feelings, pick away at what is truth such as he hit someone, cheated, etc. and what is an emotion such as embarrassment, anger, fear.

▪  “How are you feeling?” Now you can teach how to recognize and define those emotions. It is important to take time with this to explore and understand these feelings. Personal stories can make it more comfortable for them to delve into it.

▪  “What have you learned?” Just like you, it may take time to disconnect enough from the intensity of emotion coursing through their body to come up with an answer. Work through that and allow them that time.

▪  “What can you change for the next time?” Ask them for suggestions or make several from which they may pick, depending on how old they are. (Adults should be able to make their own game plan, but sometimes we all could use a hand). Remember to reinforce all of the above.

▪  “So, how are you feeling now?” While things may not automatically smooth out, haven’t you noticed when you had an opportunity to talk with a mentor things at least stopped spinning quite so fast and you were able to start calming down? So it is with your kids.

As the new school year, job or relationship gets underway, maybe tuck this away on the shelf to remind you, that resiliency takes time and guidance to build that we may better bounce back from the mistakes we most certainly will make in our lives. Start early.

This story was originally published August 31, 2016 at 9:31 AM with the headline "5 questions to sort out facts, feelings in a discussion."