Fear is an unexpected side-effect of parenthood
I have never been one of those people … who feels that the love one has for a child is somehow a superior love. But it is a singular love, because it is a love whose foundation is not physical attraction, or pleasure, or intellect, but fear. You have never known fear until you have a child, and maybe that is what tricks us into thinking that it is more magnificent, because the fear itself is more magnificent. Every day, your first thought is not ‘I love him’ but ‘How is he?’ The word, overnight, rearranges itself into an obstacle course of terrors.
Hanya Yanagihara
“A Little Life”I remember hearing an interview with Pearl Jam’s singer, Eddie Vedder, on parenting. He almost moaned that people had always told him how much more he’d appreciate the world after he had children, when in reality, he was so much more afraid of what he was getting his child into.
This kind of love is something that has been filtering through my thoughts rather thickly, lately. With my own sons long gone from home, I take moments of joy and comfort in everyone else’s little darlings. The past two Fridays, I had the pleasure of attending the Cambria Grammar School’s Peace Leader rallies.
Every year, I can’t get over how much younger those kids look! When my own son, Miles, stated the same observation years ago when he was in middle school, I laughed and pointed out it will only get worse. Here I am!
I was honored to be invited to come and help out in the lower-grade classrooms if I wanted. (“I can read, but I will only hinder their math,” I laughed.) I am strongly considering it as I maintain the overwhelming feeling I’ve had all my life, that I can make a difference in this world, one hug at a time, one kind word, helpful action or open ear at a time. I hope I did that sufficiently with my own boys.
Perhaps that is what’s been nagging me lately: Yes, there are things I would certainly have done differently, but I can hold no regrets, as that will get me nowhere. No, it is not so much to correct wrongdoings but rather, I so, so, so much enjoyed the adventure of it all!
I look at the pictures on my mantel of two smiling little boys, remembering the discoveries they made, the trouble they flirted with as they tested the boundaries of gravity and the world at large and the absolute joy I felt at night after reading them a bedtime story, kissing them goodnight and finally hearing their soft snores emanating from their cozy room. Bliss. Or perhaps that fear, at ease for the moment.
I did and do recognize Eddie Vedder’s concerns. I do every day for not only my own flesh and blood but for all our children. I also recognize that what really needs to happen is not more hovering and wringing of hands but sharing skills to make life — whatever it turns into — more worthwhile, more manageable. Love, empathy, self-reliance, self-confidence and general awareness of the life that exists past the length of their arm will go far in preserving our species.
It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.
L.R. Knost
Perhaps I will make a date at the school. …
Dianne Brooke’s column is special to The Cambrian. Email her at ltd@ lady tie di .com, or visit her website at www .lady tie di .com.
This story was originally published March 2, 2016 at 10:57 AM with the headline "Fear is an unexpected side-effect of parenthood."