Being happy, proud isn’t the same thing as gloating

My mother drove it into us to never gloat or boast. It was most unattractive and did not make you friends. Maybe it was a Catholic thing, or a small town/farm girl thing — really just an etiquette thing. At any rate, it became almost embarrassing to have any good fortune. Do I really deserve it? What will others think?

After a lifetime, I realize we do deserve good things and there is nothing wrong with sharing, as long as we don’t go overboard and use it to one-up anybody. Right? Maybe fortune has smiled on you, or you’ve worked hard at a job or getting a degree and feel pretty good about the results.

Yet, I feel awkward in moments when I am so overjoyed or proud and come in contact with a friend — a person with whom I possibly can’t wait to share it, but who happens to be in a truly bad spot in life. While I realize I am worthy of this good-whatever-it-is, it gets knocked down a notch when I am met with an icy stare: “Hmmmm … I have something to share, but maybe later.”

Obviously, I am not going to jump up and down right then and there. But what about when it is an ongoing issue that those others are suffering? What about someone who has lost a child, but you are bursting at the seams about your own? Or someone who is suffering in a relationship, but you are reveling in your new one?

Does one wait until they are asked, “How’s it going?” and then share? How many of you ask that question of people you run into at the market and then don’t really wait to hear? Or you don’t want to really listen, you just do so out of “politeness” and habit? As with everything else, I suppose, moderation.

My son just closed escrow on his new home. He just proposed to his girlfriend. My other son is in the happiest relationship ever. He just got accepted into University of Hawaii. We were all together for the holiday. How many of us get those Christmas letters and say to ourselves, “Geez, rub it in!”

Sorry. I send out those letters. I do leave out the words, “proud,” “pleased” and the like, as those can rankle feelings. I do use “happy.” How can you not? But perhaps that is it — too much gushing.

How do you feel when someone tells you good news? You may feel happy for the person, but what is deeper inside? Do you feel jealous? I have, certainly. Often. When my boys were struggling or my relationships were failing, “Sigh. Why not me?”

Until I learned to come from a center of gravity called “abundance and gratitude,” I was unable to fully accept others’ good fortune. That place is like magic.

Yes, I still worry and stress and mourn and suffer, but I no longer carry a lease on that real estate. I’ve taken up residence in a more secure neighborhood, one where we all look out for one another, share the ups and downs and resources. It’s all OK. I can talk — I’ve no health issues; I’m happy as a clam.

I’ve never lost a child, but I’ve lost parents and friends and lovers and property. I know that if I build up someone else who is in a good place, it helps fill that reservoir of happiness that will spill back on me — it did all those times. The challenge now is to share my good news from a place of vulnerability, a place of humor, one short detail instead of five or express and share it in other ways.

Maybe I can get away with a postcard this Christmas?

This story was originally published December 7, 2016 at 8:44 AM with the headline "Being happy, proud isn’t the same thing as gloating."