Couples therapy for a red and blue nation

Whether here on the North Coast or in New York City, a good therapist doesn’t tell you what you want to hear. He tells you what you need to know. I’ve been specializing in couples therapy for more than 40 years, so listen up.

Blue State people, when it comes to cultural change, you can’t rub Red State noses in it.

“The folks,” as Bill O'Reilly rightly calls them, can only swallow so much change in what has been an astronomically short period of time. By the way, this is true for “the folks” in countries from Turkey to England as well.

So lighten up. Push for what you believe is just and right, but do so in a gentle and respectful way. As Voltaire once wrote: “We cannot always oblige, but we can always speak obligingly.”

Red State people, show some tolerance. Many of you say you’re Christian; act like it. Love thy neighbor. Even if he prefers a different sexual partner than you do, bows to Mecca instead of Jerusalem, or speaks Spanish instead of English. They bleed and cry, hope and love, just like you do.

Show a little understanding, compassion even. And be open to new ideas and information, like global warming. Maybe those scientists are on to something.

And both of you, beware demonizing the perspective of “the other.” I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but you’re not the only one with truth and light. Maybe, just maybe, your spouse has a somewhat valid point of view as well.

It’s like the couple who comes in for marriage counseling and one partner says: “I’ve told you my side of the story, now let me tell you his.” Well, it doesn’t work that way. Incredible as this may sound, your partner’s view is not as wrong, weird, dumb, immoral, unhealthy or irrational as it may seem to you.

Red State and Blue State people, read that last line again … and chew on it. It’s fundamental to preserving the union. Divorce is not an option.

So here’s your homework. Blue State people, protest peacefully, and give the new guy a chance. If he messes up, call him on specific behavior rather than attack his overall personality, however tempting that may be.

Red State people, be patient. This is a huge loss for Blue State people. Grief takes time. Give them some. Don’t accept violence, but expect anger, and show some compassion and reassurance.

Also, both of you, don’t wait for your partner to do all the work. You’ve got no control there. But you do have power to change half the equation — your half.

So if you Blue State folks are peaceful and give the new guy a chance, and you Red State people are patient and show some compassion, you up the odds of meeting in the middle. You might even learn from one another. As ye sow, so shall ye reap, remember?

And when you start to flip out, and you will, take two breaths and call me in the morning. Acting out in anger when you’re biochemically hijacked will not lead to domestic tranquility. Walk away; count to 10. As the ancient Chinese used to say: “Not the fastest horse can catch a word said in anger.”

Pray or meditate, exercise and seek support from friends and family. Forming a more perfect union is not easy. Never was, never will be. It’ll take your best effort to be the kind of person you say you’d like to be. You can do it. Your children and grandchildren are counting on you.

This story was originally published November 22, 2016 at 8:20 AM with the headline "Couples therapy for a red and blue nation."