SLO mayor was raped as a teen. Now Heidi Harmon is speaking out about sexual assault
As San Luis Obispo Mayor Heidi Harmon prepared to read a proclamation about Sexual Assault Awareness Month at a recent City Council meeting, she felt compelled to make a shocking revelation.
She is “a survivor of sexual violence,” she said at the April 6 meeting.
Harmon had prepared to make the proclamation on behalf of RISE, a San Luis Obispo County nonprofit organization helping victims of sexual assault, abuse and intimate partner violence. But the mayor thought it wouldn’t feel quite right to do that without disclosing her personal experience as a rape survivor.
Harmon thought about it all day leading up to the meeting. But she wasn’t entirely sure about her nerve-wracking decision until the time came for the RISE proclamation, about 19 minutes into the council meeting.
As Harmon read in the proclamation, widespread abuse “impacts every person in San Luis Obispo.”
In general, one in three women will experience some form of sexual violence in their lives, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
RISE received 1,691 crisis calls in 2020 from Central Coast community members and provided more than 4,832 days of emergency shelter, Harmon said.
“The number of RISE clients seeking counseling for sexual assault-related issues continues to increase every year,” Harmon read. “Each day is an opportunity to create change for the future.”
SLO mayor talks about sexual assault
At the April 6 meeting, Harmon didn’t reveal any specifics around the painful incident that occurred when she was a 17-year-old high school student in Southern California.
She finished high school and left the Los Angeles area soon after that to attend Cuesta College in San Luis Obispo. She’s lived in San Luis Obispo County ever since.
But Harmon agreed to share her story with The Tribune to encourage other survivors to reach out, get help and spread awareness about sexual violence.
“Unfortunately, I think this is happening a lot more than people might expect and I would encourage anyone who has experienced sexual assault to seek help, to reach out to RISE in particular or to a trusted friend, so we can have those conversations and start to heal,” Harmon said. “So many of us move forward without healing, and that’s what I did.”
The interview marks the first time she has spoken publicly being assaulted, calling the rape “a 35-year-old wound” that has affected her in various ways since.
“I was on a date and he drugged me and raped me,” Harmon told The Tribune. “I’ve been challenging myself to name it for what it was. I woke up in the middle of him doing that.
“So, it has been especially hard for me to deal with this due to the nature of the (date rape drug used against her) and the nature of that experience. That has been a struggle.”
Harmon kept rape a secret at first
When the assault occurred, Harmon had just started dating again after ending a two-and-a-half year high school relationship with a boyfriend.
“(The rapist) was a guy that I met who worked at a local cafe,” Harmon said. “He was older than me, maybe by as much as 10 years.”
There was nothing out of the ordinary about the man, she recalled, nor any red flags indicating what was to come.
On their date, she said, she and the man had something to drink, maybe alcohol. Although she’s not sure what kind of beverage it was, Harmon said, she knows that her attacker put a narcotic in her drink.
Harmon didn’t report the assault to police at the time, which is fairly common among survivors trying to sort out often confusing and painful experiences, according to RISE.
In fact, she blamed herself for going out with someone older.
“It has been 35 years without naming (the crime),” Harmon said. “I only told one person when it happened. I didn’t tell my parents. I didn’t tell my mom. I think I was trying to protect her.”
At that point in her life, Harmon said, she had never talked about the dangers of sexual assault with her parents or other adult role models. But she said she’s planning to tell her mother about the assault now, having waited decades to finally be comfortable with that decision.
Harmon said the experience “impacted me in ways I probably don’t even know” and that’s part of the therapy she’s doing now to heal emotionally.
“I have post-traumatic stress disorder,” she added. “That may sound extreme to some, but it’s true. ... It has been really difficult and so frustrating. It does make it difficult to do my job at times and makes it difficult to be at public events at times.”
Coping as a leader
Looking back on the assault, Harmon said the experience made her “a fighter” — someone who gets up and pushes forward each day regardless of circumstances.
But Harmon acknowledged that it also “has definitely impacted my relationship to the masculine.”
“It has made it more difficult for me to trust men in general, especially when people say things to me or about me of a sexualized or violent nature,” the mayor said.
Harmon said that threats or harassment can be triggering for her.
For instance, she said, she was shaken in January 2020 when a stalker came to City Hall demanding to see the mayor and breaking into a restricted area to the public. (He was later arrested.) She’s also disturbed by social media posts targeting her that are of a sexualized or violent nature.
“At one fundraiser (about two years ago), a man said something about the way I look and about wanting to go up my skirt,” she recalled.
The man made those troubling, offensive comments just before Harmon was about to speak on stage, she recalled. The mayor was torn between ignoring the man or confronting him and calling him out on his inappropriate behavior.
She chose to brush off the man’s words and focus on her speech, but that decision still bothers her.
“I’m aware that people already see me as a theoretically controversial person in the community,” Harmon said. “As I’m doing the math of these moments, I thought in this moment: ‘Am I going to be the person in this moment who says to this guy ... ‘This is totally unacceptable that you said that to me’?”
But Harmon said she plans to “never make it OK” for people to subject her or others to harmful acts, dehumanizing words or unwelcome touching.
“I’m never doing that again,” she said. “I’m doing all the emotional labor. I’m still thinking about it two years later. That guy probably hasn’t thought about it since. ... My intention in the future is to make it clear where the burden should be.”
“I feel the responsibility or at least the opportunity to say, ‘I’m sorry, ‘What did you just say?’ ” Harmon said. “You don’t have to necessarily put a flag in the ground or make a big statement. But it is important to know that this is not my or any woman’s burden to hold. I want to be part of that culture shift if I can.”
“These things happen all the time to women,” she said.
By speaking out, she hopes she can help bring change.
Changing the future
According to Harmon, a lot of work still must be done to try to address a social issue that remains far too prevalent.
“Maybe even 10 or 20 or 30 years ago an elected official probably wouldn’t have spoken this aloud,” Harmon said. “Maybe in those smaller ways people are being more public about these things and more transparent and vulnerable. But it still seems incredibly ubiquitous.”
Harmon cited former President Donald Trump’s administration as a four-year period in which “a culture of misogyny and sexual assault was predominant” in the national conversation and “grabbing women by the pussy was not only acceptable but celebrated.”
Harmon said sexual violence awareness and education, good parenting and specific conversations about consent are all valuable in creating change.
That includes making sure young men are aware of the problems with behavior such as unwanted touching, harassing words and violent acts, and that young women feel valued, she said.
“It’s about making sure our young people feel worthy and loved and worth caring for themselves,” Harmon said. “My hope really does lie in the next generation.”
“Even if one person reads (my story) and gets the support they need,” she said, she’ll feel that her message has gotten across.
“During my time as mayor, several people have reached out to me” about an experience of sexual assault Harmon said. “If for whatever reason, someone feels called to reach out to me, I’m happy to listen and be here and support as best as I can.”
RISE offers range of services
Jane Pomeroy, RISE’s executive director, said the organization launched a SLO County Believes campaign in April that asks people to pledge to “believe survivors.”
A negative response or distrust of someone’s story of trauma can worsen the situation, Pomeroy said, deterring the person from seeking help or sharing the information with anyone else again.
“If you do anything, believe survivors when they tell you that they’ve been hurt,” she said.
“The responsibility doesn’t lie with the victims,” Pomeroy added. “The responsibility is with people causing harm.”
When people hear about assault or abuse, RISE tells them, “Don’t feel like you have to fix or repair what happened because you cannot undo the harm caused. Your loving support is the best thing you can offer.”
RISE’s mission is to “transform the lives of sexual and intimate partner violence survivors, their families, and the community through services and education that promote safety, healing, and empowerment.”
RISE programs include a 24-hour crisis line, case management, restraining order assistance, advocacy, prevention education and individual and group counseling. The group offers two safe houses, and free, confidential services are provided.
For more information, call the RISE hotline at 855-886-7473 or visit www.riseslo.org.
This story was originally published May 2, 2021 at 5:00 AM.
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