Is technology ruining your marriage?

Do you take your laptop to bed so you can check e-mails before going to sleep? Do you prefer listening to your iPod instead of talking to your spouse? Then technology may be creating a wedge in your marriage and becoming a source of unhappiness at home.

Technology is an insidious culprit. We rely on it for work. It’s the perfect backup when we need emergency aid.

But it expands into our spare time as well.

We watch TV on gigantic plasma screens and post pictures on Facebook of our recent camping trip. In fact, we lust after new forms of technology merely for their novelty and gotta-have-’em status.

The technology itself is innocent. Heck, it’s nothing more than screens, blinking lights and buttons. And there are endless ways to be distracted. We can zone out with books, motorcycles, exercise, politics, or quilting.

It’s the way we allow it to distract us that becomes problematic. We’re apt to tune out everything else around us while watching sports on ESPN or texting friends. We don’t want to be interrupted. If we do engage with others during commercials, or while we’re browsing the web, we do so in techno-time. We look up absently and ask “What do you need? Make it quick, please,” before staring back at our screen.

This behavior sends a bad message. It clearly tells loved ones, “You’re not important to me.” A husband who takes a nonessential cell phone call while he’s hiking with his wife not only disturbs the tranquility of the moment but bumps her into the emotional waiting room while he tends to something else.

The use of technology can be annoying, too. A young man recently accompanied his parents to our home, then spent the evening either furiously tapping away on his cell phone or reading incoming messages sent from friends.

Technology is especially disturbing when it invades our bedrooms. First, it squelches intimacy. Research shows that couples who have TVs in their bedrooms have sex half as often as those who don’t.

It also interferes with sleep. Scientists have found that the bright lights of a computer screen wreak havoc with our biological clocks, suppressing the natural production of melatonin that is so critical for a sound night’s rest. Even when technological items are turned off, their power sources and rechargers can illuminate a room and keep a light sleeper tossing all night.

The good news is that technology and marital bliss are compatible. We don’t have to choose between our BlackBerry and our spouse. The key lies in establishing viable priorities. Relationships must come first. Technology needs to place a distant second. Once that hierarchy’s been firmly established, there’s plenty of time for those gadgets with keypads and screens.

Tips for tuning out technology

To keep technology from interfering with your relationship, follow these simple steps:

Linda Lewis Griffith is a local marriage and family therapist. For information or to contact her visit lindalewisgriffith.com

This story was originally published May 20, 2010 at 8:57 PM with the headline "Is technology ruining your marriage?."