Give family the gift of acceptance

Kids’ expectations are sky high this time of year. They’re not-so-secretly hoping there’s an Air Hogs Rollercopter or a Barbie Dreamhouse Camper under the tree on Christmas morning.

Adults have equally ambitious expectations for the holidays. We hope our grown son isn’t drunk when he arrives for Christmas dinner. We wish Mom would stop being so critical of everything we do. We try to persuade Sis to break up with the jerk she’s been seeing for six years.

The result is that we waste a lot of energy being frustrated and disappointed about the way people behave at Christmas. We’re exhausted by family gatherings. We try to make things different, yet we fall woefully short of our goals.

Most of these negative feelings aren’t new. Some have been harbored for decades. Perhaps you’re still angry at your father for having an affair and leaving Mom when you were 3. You want to ask him, “Dad, how could you?” You’re hoping he’ll apologize.

But just as our children won’t get everything they want at the holidays, most of our fantasies will be unmet, too. That’s because family members will never be perfect. They’re a group of flawed guys and gals who — regardless of our efforts — are not going to change.

Rather than wishing things were different, we need to accept all family members as they are. Yes, some may be unreasonable, bigoted, self-centered or odd. Still, they’re on the team roster. And they’re not getting traded anytime soon.

Once we stop obsessing about other’s foibles we can focus on getting along. That’s the greatest gift we can give to our families and ourselves.

IDEAS FOR KEEPING EVERYTHING POSITIVE

How to get along with family members:

Concentrate on their strengths. Make a list of positive characteristics for each member and keep it in the forefront of your thoughts. Refer to it often when negativity creeps in.

Identify appropriate conversational topics. You’ll know which subjects you can safely discuss. You’ll also be able to control a discussion if it starts to go south.

Create an atmosphere that promotes good vibes. Lay out a craft. Take a family hike. Have a hula-hoop contest on the lawn. View old photos with Grandma.

Set limits. Make expectations clear at the outset to avoid unpleasant scenes during an event. For example, set up a smoking area on the patio so your stepfather doesn’t attempt to light up in the house.

Don’t take the bait. Avoid engaging in emotionally charged discussions. When Mom asks you about your weight, smile sweetly and redirect the conversation.

Limit alcohol. Liquor can quickly sabotage family gatherings. If alcohol is a problem in your household, seriously consider hosting a dry celebration.

Be cordial. Make family members feel at ease with your pleasant, get-along demeanor.

Set a time limit. If you’re the host, set a specific start and end time for your party. If you’re the guest, you may have a time frame that works best for you. Be sure to convey your preferences beforehand.

This story was originally published December 16, 2014 at 6:16 AM with the headline "Give family the gift of acceptance."