Married, with grown stepchildren
You’ve married a fabulous woman the second time around. But there’s a problem: you can’t stand her grown children. They’re irresponsible and rude to their mother. She frequently gives them cash. When you mention your feelings, she becomes defensive. An argument inevitably ensues.
You love her and want a good marriage. But her kids keep getting in the way.
It’s common for new partners to butt heads over each other’s adult offspring. They disagree about the kids’ lifestyles, parenting abilities and financial abilities.
Adult children can also be seen as interference. If one member of the couple has a closer relationship with his or her kids, the other person frequently feels left out.
These problems stem from an inherent imbalance in the family ties. Parents and their children have stronger bonds with each other than they do with the new husband or wife. Moms and dads have an unwavering desire to protect and care for their adult children that overrides their relationship with their spouse.
The feelings are especially strong when an adult child is struggling emotionally or financially. Parents long to make things right. They may feel guilty about past behaviors or worry endlessly about what to do. They direct an inordinate amount of time and resources toward that child, often to no avail.
As a result, new spouses feel as if they’re the newcomers on the family block. Yes, they’re married to the husband or wife. Still, their needs play second fiddle to those of the stepkids.
It’s nearly impossible to discuss the problem because any negative comments are perceived as criticisms. No matter how obvious the adult children’s transgressions, they’re apt to be defended by the corresponding parent. The more spouses try to be heard, the greater the resistance they encounter from their mates.
Even when spouses want to be helpful, they’re met with hostility and disdain. A wife may feel she’s being supportive when she says, “You don’t have to pay her rent if she’s out of a job.” Still, her husband may feel pressured by her advice and continue to rescue his daughter.
What new spouses fail to recognize is that they’re never going to outrank the stepchildren.
That’s the nature of blended families. The more they complain about their second-class status, the lower they sink in the family ratings. It’s a battle they’re not going to win.
Rather than harping about the stepkids, they should accept the situation they’ve married into and do their best to make it work.
When couples understand the dynamics of reformulated households, they can avoid wasting psychic energy and instead focus where they’ll have the greatest impact.
TIPS ON RELATING TO YOUR ADULT STEPCHILDREN
Want to improve your relationship with your adult stepchildren? Start with these tips:
Let go of judgment. Stop viewing them through critical lenses. Accept them completely as they are. You may not agree with their choices. You have no say in what they do.
Be likable. Warm your way into their hearts with cards, thoughtful gifts, nice dinners and supportive conversation. Your primary goal is to be pleasant. The rest will take care of itself.
Find common interests. Discover ways you can connect with each adult stepchild. Talk sports with the Giants fan. Buy seeds for the gardener in the family. You’ll impress the kids with your caring behavior, and you’ll start to develop stronger bonds.
Zip your lips. Never criticize the kids or their parent. That’s not your role. Let them solve their own problems. You graciously stay out of the way.
Set time limits. Have trouble being around the adult stepkids? Then limit the length of your visits. If two hours is your max, feel free to leave after two hours. But be pleasant and smile during your outing.
Know that time is your ally. The kids may or may not accept you. You can only do the best that you can. Hopefully your ongoing efforts will win them over. Be patient. It may take time.
Commit yourself to your partner. You fell in love with your spouse. The kids came included in the deal. Focus your energies on the person you chose. That’s where your ultimate happiness lies.
This story was originally published April 20, 2012 at 5:31 AM.