Graciousness is encoded in our society — but it’s not always fashionable. Here’s how to help

Graciousness is the act of behaving in a courteous, well-mannered way.

For instance, a college student may graciously accept a gift card by saying, “Oh man, thanks, Grandma! I love Vans! I’ll definitely use this.”

Gracious people display two important psychological characteristics. First, they are kind. They intentionally treat someone in a gentle, pleasant and tender way. They want recipients to feel pleased as a result of their interaction.

Secondly, they demonstrate empathy. They are able to project their emotions onto another person and imagine how that person feels. Then they act in a manner that enhances the recipient’s emotional well-being.

In the case of the college student receiving a gift card from his grandmother, the young man is able to understand the older woman’s mental state and make statements that he believes she would like to hear.

Graciousness is especially important in situations where there is an inherent imbalance of power or status.

For example, if Parent A’s child was accepted into a university from which Parent B’s child was rejected, Parent A might make a gracious comment such as, “Your daughter is such a neat kid. I know she’s disappointed. But she’s going to do great wherever she ends up.”

Graciousness is deeply encoded into the fabric of our society.

Following an election, the loser is expected to graciously congratulate the winner and offer to support them however they can. At the end of a high school basketball game, both coaches meet at mid-court, shake hands and say, “Good game,” regardless of the outcome or the score.

The opposite of graciousness includes a host of bad behaviors like gloating, bragging or minimizing another’s accomplishment.

And there’s no shortage of these on display. Watch any NFL game and you’ll see players strutting and showboating in the end zone every time they make a touchdown. Or witness political candidates demanding recounts rather than accepting their election losses.

It even feels as if graciousness is growing increasingly out of favor. What was once considered good manners and a standard set of responses is now considered by many to be outdated, quaint or even irrelevant.

But a lack of graciousness is not only, well, ungracious. It’s potentially dangerous. When people are treated rudely or taunted after a defeat, they’re more likely to retaliate with violence. They already feel bad about a situation. The others’ boorish behavior makes things worse.

Graciousness, on the other hand, is a steadying force for societal interactions, competitive or otherwise. It’s a universal guideline for behavior that says, “We’re all humans and we share the same emotions. Here’s how we can get along and maintain the peace.”

Of course, children aren’t born being gracious. Their innate me-first attitudes and poor impulse control mean they don’t have the skills necessary to speak kindly or act empathically. But with good modeling from adults and patient guidance at home, on campus and in the community, we can make gracious behavior fashionable and the standard to which we strive.