As a new year approaches, it’s time to reflect on the previous 12 months, to ponder the future, and — most of all — make promises we can’t keep.
Knowing that we won’t shed that 15 pounds yet again this year, this time around we’ve decided to make resolutions for other people. After all, the celebrities in this story proved this year that they could use some direction. And if they fail to come through, hey — it’s not our fault.
Tom Brady: Buy an air pump
After the Patriots drubbed Indianapolis 43-22 in last year’s playoffs, the only thing more deflated than Brady’s footballs were the Colts.
But if the New England quarterback hadn’t taken the air out of those balls before the game, there’s no doubt the Colts defense could have held the Patriots to 40.
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Nonetheless, so the general public doesn’t have to endure talk of Deflategate during the entire NBA and MLB seasons again, Tom, please be sure to pump it up before you air it out.
Bill Cosby: Just go
On TV, he was America’s favorite dad: The ugly sweaters. The silly faces. The Ray Charles sing-a-long. But when one woman after the next came out with horrible accusations involving drugging and rape, suddenly TV’s Cliff Huxtable was forever tainted. Sure, everyone is innocent until proven guilty, but when Cosby recently announced that he was suing his accusers, we just wished we could forget the whole story. But the story won’t go away soon — now there are criminal charges pending.
Ariana Grande: You lick it, you buy it
Like, ew. After security cameras caught the tween favorite secretly licking pastries on display at a California doughnut shop, the establishment’s health code rating was downgraded. But, hey, Ariana was just having a little fun with her boyfriend, which pretty much quashes the myth that young, rich celebrities’ lives are more interesting than ours. Since your tongue sparked an international embarrassment — and provided bad PR for eclairs and bear claws everywhere — if you’re compelled to lick doughnut, Ariana, go ahead and get really wild: Eat it.
Brian Williams: Perfect your Tommy Flanagan impression
During the past year, it was revealed that the “NBC Nightly News” anchor had a little problem with — as Stephen Colbert called it — “truthiness.” Turns out, he wasn’t in a helicopter hit by a rocket in Iraq. Later, an NBC investigative team announced there were 11 other incidents Williams had embellished, which brings to mind Jon Lovitz’s famous truth-stretching character Tommy Flanagan from “Saturdy Night Live.” Whenever Williams tells one of his fish stories, we say, he should end it with Flanagan’s catch phrase, “Yeah — that’s the ticket!”
Donald Trump: Go back to school
The presidential candidate, real estate mogul and reality star got his degree from the University of Pennsylvania in 1968. But anyone who insists that the president is from Kenya and that thousands of Muslims cheered in New Jersey on Sept. 11, 2001, needs to get educated. Until he does, the only jobs The Donald is going to create will be in the fact-checking industry.
Pete Rose: Don’t bet on making the Hall of Fame
Charlie Hustle was a great baseball player. But the all-time hits leader gambled and lost when he bet on MLB games his team was involved in, leading to a lifetime ban from baseball. Despite finally admitting to the truth years afterward, Rose still tries to get reinstated, but after his latest rejection this year, he should accept the odds and fold.
PewDiePie: Get a real job
When it was revealed that Swedish YouTuber Felix Arvid Ulf Kjellberg (a.k.a., “PewDiePie”) made $12 million last year, adults around the world shrieked, “That idiot made how much?!” His 10 billion views proves he’s hugely popular, yet all he does is yell at a monitor while playing dumb video games.
Which, frankly, makes the rest of us feel like chumps. So, please, PD, put down your web cam and pick up a broom; there’s real work to be done somewhere.
Hillary Clinton: Get the fax
In what was the most boring “controversy” of them all, the presidential candidate was accused of using her private e-mail account for official business at the State Department, which caused critics to claim that Clin — hold on a second:
What were we saying?
Eh — whatever. Given that Clinton’s emails got waaaaay too much attention, we’re going to have to insist that she delete her old AOL account and go back to snail mail. Or, better yet — get a fax machine.
Justin Bieber: Please leave
Adults don’t need an explanation, right?
Jimmy Kimmel: Presidential mean tweets
A segment on Kimmel’s show in which celebrities read the hateful tweets directed at them is the highlight of late-night television. Even President Obama read his (sanitized, of course) hater tweets on the show. If we could regularly have @realDonaldTrump, @BernieSanders, @TedCruz and @HillaryClinton read their mean tweets on air, we’d vote to extend the election.