Opinion Columns & Blogs

Thank goodness The Donald put fears to rest

So, President Obama has released a long form of his Hawaiian birth records. Whew! For the longest time I was sure a foreign-born imposter — a huckster, if you will — was holding the most powerful job in the world.

And, boy, weren’t my suspicions of such a turn of events whetted by that most respectable of individuals, The Donald, who is justifiably taking credit for having smoked out Obama’s Hawaiian long-form birth certificate.

In his typical “aw shucks, someone just HAD to do the dirty work, and I’m the only guy to do it,” Trump reluctantly took credit for this turn of events Wednesday while on the stump in New Hampshire.

“I’m really honored to play such a big role in hopefully, hopefully getting rid of this issue,” he intoned without a shred of self-righteous personal aggrandizement.

I know I speak as one when I say: We can only hopefully, hopefully hope that the man with the golden-dyed squirrel skin for a hairpiece can bring such commanding acumen to the job when he becomes president — all of which will be predicated on his wizardry within the hallowed halls of commerce.

Befitting someone who runs casinos, The Donald regularly uses gaming terms in describing his business expertise. To wit, his comments at an April 16 tea party rally in Boca Raton, Fla.: “America wants a winner, not a loser. We need people that win. We don’t need people that lose all the time (except, perhaps, in his casinos). I’ve beaten many people and companies, and I’ve won many wars. I earned many, many billions of dollars. It’s both a scorecard and an acknowledgment of certain abilities.”

Now, those are all sound arguments for hiring The Donald to be president. After all, who in their right mind wouldn’t want someone who cannot only beat people and companies but also win wars?

Being the trendsetter that he is, I can just imagine a fashion statement of golden-dyed squirrel skins popping atop the pates among his adoring masses as they march in lockstep to the theme of “Rocky.”

Uh oh, wait a sec. This just in: It appears that The Donald — who said he’d release his tax returns as soon as Obama released his long-form birth certificate — may not be quite the Messiah of All Things Money.

The inescapable truth, the tale of the cash register tape as it were, is that The Donald has been the head guy, the top dog, the big cheese of companies that have filed bankruptcies several times during the last couple of decades.

To his credit (and that term is used literally), he’s managed to distance himself from those filings and (with collateral damage to losers) dig himself out of some deep monetary muck — blithely leaving beaten people and companies in an ever-widening wake of self-promotion.

Yet, even though Karl Rove has called The Donald’s presidential aspirations “a joke” and others within the GOP are calling him a bombastic tar baby, Trump may well indeed be just what this country needs as a guide to resolving its ever-rising national debt. With the stroke of a pen, he can dissolve our financial obligations and merely file national bankruptcy.

In The Donald’s worldview, hopefully, hopefully no one would be the wiser.