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What a lovely bunch of coconuts

The Republican race for the 33rd Assembly District has taken a decidedly koo-koolicious turn between candidates Etta Waterfield and Matt Kokkonen.

In their rush to lay claim to who can overturn the Fourth Amendment more quickly, Etta and Matt have now taken off the gloves and are bare-fistedly pummeling each other over who’s more devoutly behind Arizona’s edict that allows law enforcement to pull you over because of the color of your skin or the accent of your voice.

In the latest development, Etta appeared on Dave Congalton’s radio show last week and talked about the Arizona law.

Dave: Should law enforcement have the right to arrest a suspected illegal immigrant in California?

Etta: They should, just like Arizona.

Matt, smelling equivocation in pursuit of red meat, pounced on her in a news release with the ferocity of a Finnish snow puma: “This is clearly a flip-flop, an attempt to have it both ways. It is political doubletalk to say you support a law in another state, but wouldn’t enact such a law here. What good does the Arizona law do for Californians if it can’t be implemented outside the borders of that state?”

It sounds like Etta unequivocally answered Dave’s question — which from this perspective doesn’t pass the flip-flop sniff test. (Perhaps the Republican Central Committee should institute a Philosophical Purity Panel to determine which of their primary candidates is most ideologically aligned with Arizona.)

That said, Etta’s team — clearly in a flap from the flip-flop allegation — roared back with its own news release with what can only be described as jugular-ripping intensity. The release’s headline read: “Has Kokkonen gone Kokko-Nuts?”


Not content with going koo-koo over Kokko-Nuts, Etta’s team then referred to Matt as “Serial Candidate Matt Kokkonen.”

Double owwwwch!

Matt’s a “serial” candidate and you know what that can lead to, don’t you? Yes, Harold Stassen (who, as far as we know, wasn’t Finnish; he just repeatedly failed to finish first in his 12 presidential quests from 1944 through 2000). Now, it’s true that Matt has thrown more hats into more political rings than Dr. Seuss’ Bartholomew Cubbins ever dreamed of heaving, but that’s not a point that should be churlishly trotted out as a necessarily bad thing. After all, how do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice.

Yet, Etta spokesman Tim Clark just couldn’t quite let go of Matt’s nape, and with a good shake he added: “The bottom line is that Matt Kokkonen is running in his fourth election in the last six years, and he’s getting desperate for a victory.”

So, there you go. It’s not quite Saturn devouring sons, but the race to see who can dish up the reddest meat at the expense of reason seems to have taken a koo-koolicious turn in the Republican Primary for the 33rd Assembly District.

Bon appétit!

Bill Morem can be reached at bmorem@thetribunenews.com or 781-7852.