Arts & Culture

Celebrity resolutions we'd like to see in 2012

Charlie Sheen, Lindsey Lohan, Kim Kardashian, Chris Brown, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tracy Morgan are six celebrities we hope will behave better in 2012.
Charlie Sheen, Lindsey Lohan, Kim Kardashian, Chris Brown, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tracy Morgan are six celebrities we hope will behave better in 2012.

It’s so hard to be rich and famous these days.

Gossip magazines publish glossy pictorials every time you date, marry or divorce. Paparazzi photographers dog your every step. You’re criticized for your weight, your fashion sense and your taste in baby names.

Plus, whenever you make a mistake, enterprising newshounds are happy to advertise your error all over the blogosphere.

With that in mind, we’d like to recommend New Year’s Day resolutions for some of the many celebrities who screwed up this year. We wish them better luck in 2012.

Charlie Sheen: I resolve to curb my ego.

Warner Bros. fired Charlie Sheen from the cast of Chuck Lorre’s “Two and a Half Men” in March, leading to a media firestorm that added the terms “tiger’s blood,” and “Adonis DNA” to the lexicon. Sheen took his colorful rants on the road (briefly) in April, served as a host at August’s Gathering of the Juggalos, and submitted to a Comedy Central Roast in September. Meanwhile, “Two and a Half Men” returned to the air in September with new cast member Ashton Kutcher. Sheen may think he’s “winning,” but he looks like a loser to us.

Kim Kardashian: I resolve to talk to my next husband before we get married.

We don’t expect a lot of wisdom from Kim Kardashian, whose rise to fame was catapulted by a homemade sex tape. But divorcing after just 72 days? Come on, Kimmy. Kardashian married NBA power forward Kris Humphries in August, but the wedded bliss didn’t even make it to Halloween; the couple cited the time-honored “irreconcilable differences” clause. The real reason, acc ing to gossip website TMZ: Kardashian didn’’t want to move to Minnesota, Humphries’ home state. You think maybe that could have been discussed before the $10 million wedding?

Arnold Schwarzenegger: I resolve to keep it in my pants.

California’s former governor has a long history of sexual peccadilloes dating to his days as a champion bodybuilder. (Allegations of sexual misconduct even haunted his 2003 gubernatorial campaign.) So it came as little surprise when he and his wife of 25 years, Maria Shriver, split in May — just days before The Los Angeles Times revealed that Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a longtime household staffer. Hasta la vista, love life!

Lindsay Lohan: I resolve to not mimic other celebs’ bad behavior.

Troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan had her share of run-ins with the law before 2011. But in February, she got busted with a new twist — for alegedly stealing a $2,500 necklace from a Los Angeles jewelry store. The case drew instant comparisons to that of Winona Ryder, who stole $5,500 worth of clothing from a Beverly Hills store in 2001. By December, Lohan had won over the judge, who praised her community service efforts. Now, the current issue of Playboy — with a nude Lohan on the cover — is breaking sales records. As a reward, we think she should buy herself a nice necklace.

Gilbert Gottfried: I resolve to realize when something is “too soon.”

Gravelly voiced comic Gilbert Gottfried has spent his career spouting off-color comments about everything from sex to the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks. However, he took his humor too far in March when he tweeted tasteless jokes about the massive earthquake and tsunami devastated much of Japan. Insurance company AFLAC, which relies on the island nation for much of its business, immediately fired Gottfried as the voice of its celebrity spokesduck. Too bad the GEICO Gecko is already taken

Chris Brown: I resolve to count to five and think happy thoughts whenever I’m about to blow my stack.

During a March interview with “Good Morning America,” host Robin asked the R&B singer about his infamous 2008 assault on ex-girlfriend Rihanna. But Brown dodged the questions made a sales pitch for his latest album. After his appearance, Brown went on a tirade in his dressing room, screaming so loudly that security was alerted. Then he threw a chair into a window and shouted at a segment producer before leaving the building shirtless and tweeting: “I’m so over people bringing this past sh-- up!” And who can blame him? Obviously his days of violent outbursts are well behind him.

Donald Trump: I resolve to avoid embarrassment.

It's been quite a year for bouffant-sporting business magnate Donald Trump. He spent a few months as an obnoxious presidential hopeful — making President Barack Obama’s birthplace one of his key issues — before bowing out of the race in May. He endured a Comedy Central Roast in March, and suffered further embarrassment when former Miss USA Rima Fakih — already the subject of stripper and sexy photo scandals — was caught driving drunk in December. With yet another season of “The Celebrity Apprentice” scheduled to begin in February, we wish America would simply tell Trump, “You’re fired!”

Anthony Weiner: I resolve to share less Weiner in 2012.

Never afraid to poke fun of his own last name, Weiner invited even more “wiener” jokes last spring when the Democratic congressman took photos of his — well, you know — and posted it on the Twitter page of one of his female followers. Initially, Weiner suggested his site was hacked. But later the married New Yorker admitted that he had sent sexually explicit messages to six different women over three years. Like Republican Herman Cain a few months later, the sexual scandal would sack Weiner’s political career. And Twitter has been Weiner-free since June.

Tracy Morgan: I resolve to keep my homophobia to myself.

Comedic loose cannon Tracy Morgan raised the ire of the gay community in June when he went on a profanity-laden tirade during a Nashville stand-up show. He described homosexuality as a choice, dismissed concerns about anti-gay bullying, and told audience members that his son “better talk to me like a man and not in a gay voice or I’ll pull out a knife and stab (him) to death.” Yikes. No amount of backpedaling could save the “30 Rock” star, not even an apology tour.

Gerard Depardieu: I resolve to lay off liquids (especially wine) before flying.

For some celebrities, airplanes not only represent convenient travel but also a good place to exhibit bratty behavior. Not to be outdone, last summer Depardieu went — as the French might say — wee wee in the cabin of a CityJet plane destined for Dublin. As the plane taxied, airline attendants had told Depardieu that he needed to wait 15 minutes to use the toilet. But for Depardieu, that wouldn’t do. So the Oscar-nominated actor — who claims he drinks several bottles of wine a day — stood up and urinated, shocking other passengers.

Sam Hurd: I resolve to remember how lucky I was to be a $6 million man.

Last summer, the 26-year-old receiver signed a three-year deal worth $5.15 million, which included a $1.35 million signing bonus, with the Chicago Bears. Yet, apparently, Hurd wanted to be more of a millionaire. Earlier this month, Hurd was arrested for allegedly trying to buy cocaine and pot from an undercover agent. According to the charges, Hurd wanted to purchase $700,000 worth of drugs weekly to distribute throughout Chicago. The Bears cut him two days after his arrest.

Reach Sarah Linn at 781-7907 and Patrick S. Pemberton at 781-7903.