Ah, the holidays. They can be so stressful! Thanksgiving is barely under our belts and we find ourselves drafted immediately into the War on Christmas.
And if that weren’t bad enough, we’re expected to know the answers to so many spiritual conundrums . Is Santa really white? During Walmart pre-Christmas sales, would Jesus stop to do battle over the $3 bath towels, or would he mix it up with the rowdies on aisle 9 for the latest version of “Grand Theft Auto”? If Amazon delivers with drones, what are the Kris Kringle ramifications?
Because I always have my readers’ best interests at heart, I’d like to address these complex issues by using the most thorough and comprehensive analytical research skills available.
Luckily, befitting the season, like a brightly shining star on the journalistic horizon, we have Fox News to guide us. According to Megyn Kelly, ersatz journalist, it is an undeniable fact that Santa and Jesus are both, unequivocally — white guys! (Although at press time, Frosty the Snowman’s ethnicity was still under investigation.)
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Witness: Santa is from the North Pole, where even the bears are white, and I have it on good authority that Jesus hailed from Norway. But really, has anyone seen a birth certificate? I’m sure Megyn’s on top of it!
Sadly, unlike skin color issues, there are no definitive answers to the universal moral decisions faced by bargain shoppers. Towels or video nirvana? Alas, some answers are intensely personal and come only from intimate soul searching and contemplative introspection, and even news channels are loathe to opine.
Which brings us to the question of gift delivery systems, i.e., the planned obsolescence of St. Nick’s sleigh, and of Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen et al, being relegated to the retirement ranch. If Amazon delivers by drone, can Santa be far behind? Because I’m an ace reporter, ahead of the curve in every possible way, I’ve begun work on an adapted version on Clement Moore’s iconic “A Visit from St. Nicholas”
’Twas the night before Christmas and all through the sky
The drones were all buzzing — beginning to fly
The stockings were hung near the TV with love
In hopes that presents would descend from above
The children were up and alert just to see
When Santa arrived — what color he’d be
And Mick in his sweatpants and I with the cat
Had just gotten the dogs to chill out and nap
When from somewhere on high there arose such a groan
We thought, with a start, that Diablo had blown
Away to the window we hobbled with care
To see all the drones, just nestled up there
The moon on the crest of the shimmering sky
Gave rise to the thought that perhaps we’d soon die
When what to our wondering eyes should appear
But the decorative copters dressed up like reindeer
More rapid than eagles, his corsairs they came
And we whistled and shouted and called them by name
Now Whirley! Now Chopper! Now Sikorsky and Mission On Helo, on Hover, on Blade and Rendition
To the top of the porch, to the top of the mall
Now flash away, flash away, flash away all.
It’s just a start, mind you, but we do have to start thinking ahead. Christmas wars. Drones or reindeer? Towels or video games? White or black Santas? Really, people, can’t we just all get along?
Maybe, but before we start, let’s talk more holiday outrage! I’d like to say I’m tired of Santa’s significant other constantly being referred to as Mrs. Santa Claus. It’s the 21st century, for gosh sakes. Has she no first name? Poor Ms. Claus, born independent, but reduced by life’s circumstances to subordinate! Word has it that she wanted to retain her own last name when she and Santa tied the knot, but OH NO, do you think the old, rotund white guy would go for that? Besides, it was against North Pole law at the time.
Hence, she became resigned to her fate — relegated to being “the wind beneath his wings,” the funk behind his jive, never receiving the credit she so deserved for keeping the elves well fed and tidy. No doubt she’s morphed into a crusty old crone, living on memories, trying her best to stay warm through subzero arctic winters.
Now there’s some injustice! Where is Fox News when the real issues arise?
Suzanne Davis is happily retired and living in the South County with her husband and their three dogs. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.