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Published: Monday, Jul. 06, 2009

Linda Lewis Griffith: Where do you draw the line?

Expressing boundaries without expectations of total compliance is the mark of an empowered individual

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Boundaries are personal rules we establish for others in our relationships. They may be expressed verbally, such as telling a co-worker that you don’t appreciate overhearing details of his latest sexual escapade. Or they may remain unspoken, as when you back away from a person who is standing too close to you at a cocktail party.

Some boundaries are culturally determined. For instance, it is generally believed in our culture that both partners will remain monogamous if they are involved in a committed relationship. Failure to follow this rule may constitute grounds for terminating the union.

Other boundaries are strictly individual. A woman may want guests to remove their shoes when they enter her home. A man may drink only a certain brand of vodka and bring his own bottle when invited out.

Boundaries are important for the development of a healthy sense of self. People with strong boundaries feel empowered. They possess adequate control in their lives and derive pleasure and satisfaction from their personal interactions.

Those without clear boundaries tend to see themselves as helpless victims.

“I constantly do things for others,” one client told me, “but nobody cares about what I want.” They may be confused about how to behave in social settings and they often second-guess choices they have made.

Of course, expressing boundaries doesn’t mean you’ll always get your way. Other adults have an equal right to accept or reject your stated needs. Weighing in about your favorite restaurant doesn’t mean the whole group will concur. Negotiation may be required to arrive at a workable compromise. In cases where compromise isn’t an option, people can assess their own boundaries to determine how they plan to proceed.

The ability to set boundaries is best learned at home. We follow boundaries enforced by our folks: “You may not text your friends while we’re eating dinner.” We internalize rules that structure how we behave: “I want you to write your aunt and uncle and thank them for the gift they sent you.” We also observe how the adults in our households interact and how they ensure that their personal needs are met.

Unfortunately, some families do a poor job of teaching children how to set boundaries for themselves. Boys and girls who grow up with alcoholic or severely mentally ill parents fail to see rational, consistent adult behavior. Family rules are poorly defined or are likely to change depending on their parents’ state of mind. Youngsters fail to trust their judgments because behaviors demanded one day may cause an emotional outburst the next.

In these instances, adults need to learn appropriate boundary setting on their own.

The task is more demanding but not impossible. With practice, patience and perseverance, boundaries are within everyone’s reach.

Easy ways to establish limits

Do you need to set clearer boundaries at home or at the office?

Try these simple steps for getting more of what you want:

• Give yourself permission to let others hear your needs. Boundaries don’t mean that you’re bossy or controlling. View them, instead, as preferences of how you’d like to see things done.

• Analyze situations that repeatedly feel uncomfortable to you. Are you unsure about how to refuse sex when you’re out on a date? Do you cave in when someone asks to borrow your things? Take an inventory of troubling scenarios in order to identify areas that require assistance.

• If your boundary is verbal, express it in a calm and respectful tone. There’s no need to be hostile or aggressive. Simply state what you’d like to see happen. People can choose whether or not they’ll comply.

• Decide what specific behavior you want to make happen. These may be actions that you take or changes you’d like to see in those around you. Being clear about what you want means that others are more apt to follow your lead.

• Be consistent. Ongoing enforcement of your boundaries lets everyone know what to expect and creates stability in all aspects of your day.

• Not every boundary will be followed. You have a right to state your boundaries. Others have equal rights to decide if they will follow.

You might choose to concede or to hold fast to your convictions. Either way, you’ve behaved in a strong, self-nurturing way.

Linda Lewis Griffith is a local marriage and family therapist. For information or to contact her visit lindalewisgriffith.com.