I’m not one to take the Bible literally, but between this election year, warnings that the San Andreas Fault might tear California asunder, and all these creepy clowns running amok, does it not seem we’re a good four or five steps into opening the seven seals and unleashing the apocalypse?
You want the Four Horsemen? We’ve got a shirtless Vladimir Putin on a pony.
You want earthquakes? Scientists had much of Southern California shaking in their boots last week with warnings that a swarm of seismic activity had opened a window for “the Big One.”
You want the Antichrist unleashing the End of Days? I give you the terrifying billionaire in the golden tower.
Never miss a local story.
OK, OK, I’m kidding. Maybe we’re not quite that far gone.
But seriously, it’s been bad enough dealing with one menacing, orange-faced joker in an ugly wig. Now they’re on every corner, lurking under streetlights and scaring little kids.
This clown business is a whole new level of nutty.
Part of me just wants to dismiss it. Then I see another video and I feel like I’m watching a real-life Stephen King movie.
The slower they move and turn, the scarier they are.
Local law enforcement has taken a wait-and-see approach to the phenomenon so far, telling us, you know, it’s not illegal to walk around in a clown suit.
That is, until the clown tries to snatch a baby, which is what apparently happened up in Concord the other day.
Forget terrorists sneaking into the country under the cover of Syrian refugees. Today, we’re more likely to have pedophiles masquerading as demented Bozos.
So I totally get why people are forming clown posses and college students are hitting the streets by the hundreds to chase clown rumors.
It’s scary and thrilling, just like the presidential race.
Now that it’s October, you can bet these creepers will be out and about for the better part of the next month, sending police on wild goose chases while the ne’er-do-wells team up to flood the internet with viral videos and/or Trump commercials.
What we really need to do is treat these clowns — both those standing around ominously in the dark and the one running ominously for the White House — like the frauds they are.
Send Scooby and the gang out with a net so we can round them all up and yank off their masks.
Because these frightening story lines of hooligan con men have gone on long enough.
After Halloween, come the night of Nov. 8, would you rather hear “President Donald J. Trump!” or “And I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling voters!”?