Around the crust of my brain lies little booger bits of thought that stick there wondering where to go. So, here they are:
• Walk facing traffic. If there was one practical thing I remember my mom teaching us, it was to know what was going to hit you head on at 35 miles an hour so you could supposedly jump out of harm’s way. Thankfully, I’ve never had to test this theory, but I do notice people that follow this rule are less likely to step out in front of you when they don’t see you challenging them with two tons of steel.
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• Don’t put tomatoes in the refrigerator as it destroys the flavor. However, storing onions in there slows down the production of the acids in them that make you cry when cutting them. So, you cut up a tomato and don’t use it — do you put it in the fridge to preserve it; but what will it do to the flavor?! That confusion is what really makes me cry.
• When mom would trundle us girls into the car, upon pulling away from the curb she’d announce, “Off like a dirty shirt,” or the wildly popular, “Off like a wig in the wind.” She knew our screwy little imaginations would be busy for at least 10 minutes of silence while conjuring up images of the clothes we’d soiled while chasing boys over the chain link fence at school or some bouffant hairdo flying away on a nice Santa Ana.
• Mom had another one she tortured us with when we’d start to poke at each other: “Silence in the courtroom, monkey’s going to speak — Speak, monkey, speak!” Apparently, back in the ’60s little girls thought it was appalling to be thought of as a monkey. Of course, I realized the game quickly and also realized there were a lot worse things to be, but I was extremely competitive by 8 years of age.
• I will never cease to be amazed by people who order butter-fat-nitrate-chemical-calorie laden meals with a diet Coke.
• How much wood WOULD a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck COULD chuck wood?
• Here’s a thought: perhaps I’m naïve because we don’t have cable television, but what happened to jingles? When the world was black and white, we depended on clever little tunes getting stuck in our heads to remember some toothpaste or aftershave. Now with the onslaught of visual effects, you don’t know what to believe you are seeing. Does that mean that blind people on some level are far less gullible than the rest of us?
• And speaking of tunes, do people still sing to their children, or are they too afraid to wind up on YouTube because they can’t carry a tune in a bucket? Trust me, your kid doesn’t care; sing to them!
In closing, let me say, this Fourth of July, go ahead and swim in the pool after eating (unless it was a side of beef you consumed, in which case you’ll be too busy being sick to swim), run with reckless abandon with that stick in your hand (have you ever really known anyone to lose an eye that way? Maybe) and eat that Linn’s ollaliberry pie first, for you never know when dinner is going to be something you just can’t stand and don’t want room for.