Living

Published: Monday, Jul. 13, 2009

Linda Lewis Griffith: Cooling off a heated dispute

Disagreements are normal and unavoidable; the key to resolution is to focus on the facts, not feelings

Comments (0) |

I’ve been deeply troubled by the murder of Dr. George Tiller. Whatever one’s views on abortion, killing a doctor who performs them is never an appropriate response.

Disagreements are a fact of life. Whether we disagree about politics, a property line between two houses or the color of towels for the guest bathroom we’re constantly in situations that pit our opinions against another person’s.

Disagreements seldom create problems if both parties conduct their interactions in calm and respectful tones. Participants can rationally assess the problem and explore the best options for a workable resolution.

However, too many people infuse disagreements with negative emotions. They become hostile and angry. They make irrational claims against their opponent’s character. Dialogue becomes increasingly heated. Violence is often the result.

While I revere folks who hold fast to their convictions, I steer clear of those who espouse their opinions every chance they get. Yes, I welcome the expression of a well-thought-out viewpoint. But I don’t want that viewpoint to dominate my interaction with its believer.

I also want to be able to change the subject when it becomes clear that a speaker’s agenda is contrary to my own.

I don’t want to be forced to endure another’s ranting, no matter how passionate he or she is. I maintain the right as a recipient to politely end or redirect a conversation if its contents become offensive or uncomfortable.

When disagreements are infused with excessive emotion, the chance for successful outcome quickly deteriorates.

The issue itself gets pushed into the background while irrational claims or personal attacks get center stage. Demeaning statements are spewed with abandon. Offense is taken and volleyed back with equal vigor. Both participants are verbally torn to ribbons while the central problem remains untouched.

Of course, many issues are intensely emotional. They involve complex social questions, such as homosexual marriage, the death penalty and abortion.

Still, the best way to effect change is by being rational and respectful. Some problems can only be resolved in the legal system. Others take years, even generations to settle. Still others are decided, then repealed, and decided yet again. A court decision doesn’t end the acrimony. As long as there are two sides to a problem folks are going to disagree. We’ll never stop expressing our differing viewpoints. Hopefully, we’ll do so with decorum and respect.

Tips for peaceful conflict resolution

Want your disagreements to be resolved in a polite, productive manner? Follow these suggestions:

• Identify the specific area of conflict. Disagreements are most productive when they are focused and contained. Recognize the finite scope of the problem and don’t let it spread outside its bounds.

• Avoid personalizing the disagreement. Target the issue, not the people who disagree. Assume a neutral, factual stance. Never name-call or degrade your listener. Keep it civil at all times.

• Get a grip on your emotions. Unchecked emotions can turn a peaceful dialogue into a riot. While you may have strong feelings about the subject matter, giving them free rein will only hurt your cause. Carefully select unemotional verbiage. Take frequent deep breaths. Notice when you’re hot under the collar and back away until you’re calm. Let others do the talking if your emotions tend to run amuck.

• Assess possible avenues of recourse. There are many ways to approach a disagreement. Select the best approach for yours. You might try talking about it, writing a letter or holding a meeting. In more severe cases, legal action may be indicated. Start with the least aggressive strategy, taking more action only as it is needed.

• Keep the relationship in the foreground. Don’t allow disagreements to contaminate your relationships. Especially when relatives, neighbors or colleagues are involved, be thoughtful and courteous in your approach.

• Be willing to let issues fade into the background. Some viewpoints only create hard feelings. It’s time to let the matter go. Don’t bring it up again. Everyone will appreciate the peace.

• Focus on similarities. We all have far more in common than we have differences. Yet our disagreements color how we interact. Understand that we are humans first and foremost. Our differing philosophies pale in comparison to that fact.

Linda Lewis Griffith is a local marriage and family therapist. For information or to contact her visit lindalewisgriffith.com