Living

Published: Monday, Jun. 15, 2009

Linda Lewis Griffith: The importance of male role models

Children of both sexes may suffer from a lack of masculine influence, even if dad’s still around

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What do northern spotted owls, California condors, short-tailed albatrosses and positive male role models have in common? They’re all in danger of extinction.

Nearly one-fourth of America’s children live in mothers-only families. When dads are in the home they average less than 10 minutes per day with each child.

Schools do little to provide male role models for their students. According to the National Education Association, 76 percent of all teachers are women.

Clearly, a good man is hard to find. And his absence is apparent from the very earliest years. Consider these facts about fatherless children:

• They’re five times more likely to live in poverty.

• They’re twice as likely to suffer physical, emotional or educational neglect.

• Girls without fathers are twice as likely to become sexually active at an early age and seven times more likely to get pregnant as other adolescents.

• They commit more crimes.

• They’re at greater risk for abusing drugs and alcohol and for smoking cigarettes.

It’s difficult to keep men involved with their offspring. They cite commitments at work. They move away following a divorce. They blame the kids’ mother for keeping them out of their lives. They profess that they don’t know how to parent.

Still, the problem remains: when fathers go AWOL there’s a paucity of men to fill their shoes. Most adults live far from their parents; grandfathers and uncles are in distant zip codes. That leaves scout masters, sports coaches and male youth leaders to pick up the slack. These guys deserve hero status. But their numbers are woefully low.

As a result, children grow up without males. Boys never learn how to be men. No one is around to teach them how to harness their energy, to channel sexual feelings, or to safely express their anger.

They’re also not exposed to male-related activities. They’re unskilled at household chores. They make poor husbands. They’re unprepared to be parents themselves.

Girls suffer without men, too. Studies show that girls who have strong relationships with their dads do better in school and are more confident. They’re also more apt to select kind, respectful partners if their fathers were influential in their lives.

This is not to undermine the role of women. Females are also indispensable to the well-being of their sons and daughters. But they’re not men. They don’t think like men. They don’t behave like men.

At last count, males still accounted for roughly half of all human beings. Their absence in kids’ upbringing creates a vacuum that no one else can fill.

Tips for connecting with your kids

Men, what can you do to be present in your children’s lives?

Start with these suggestions:

• Spend time together. Set aside regular time to interact with your kids. Go to the beach. Toss a Frisbee on the lawn. Make an omelet together Saturday morning. Your simple presence sends an all-powerful message: “You are important to me.”

• Support kids’ activities. Become involved in what your youngsters like to do. Attend their cheerleading competitions or help them build a pen for their 4-H pig. You’ll show children that you care and you’ll develop bonds that will last a lifetime.

• Show respect to all the women in your kids’ lives. Every day you teach children how to be a man and how to relate to women. When you honor and value women you instill that behavior in your sons. You also tell your daughters how men will treat them when they are grown.

• Demonstrate self-control. Manage your anger appropriately. Use alcohol sparingly. Spend money thoughtfully. Remember, every move is being watched by tiny, adoring eyes.

• Talk to children about your job. Let them know why you go to work and how to behave with your employer. Take them to your workplace. Instill a solid work ethic that will serve them in their own careers.

• Perform and oversee chores with them. Life isn’t all fun and games. It involves yard work, car maintenance and fix-it projects. Bring kids along on trips to the hardware store. Show them how to repair a washer in the sink or change a tire on their bikes. View chores as on-the-job training and opportunities to work side by side.

If you don’t live with your children, add these important steps:

• Live nearby. Never move away from your children. It’s far easier to be a part of their lives when you reside nearby.

• Maintain a workable relationship with their mother. No matter how horrendous your divorce was you must keep in touch with your ex. Be cordial. Solve problems as they come up. A strong relationship with her is essential if you intend to be close to your kids.

• Keep in regular contact. If you don’t live close to the children, do your best to be in touch. Call every day. Exchange frequent photos and videos. Encourage them to tape their concerts and games, then post clips where you can see them. Visit as often as possible. You’re vital to every aspect of their lives. Be there for them — and for you.

Linda Lewis Griffith is a local marriage and family therapist. For information or to contact her visit lindalewisgriffith.com.