Greetings From Old People Camp

Just an old-fashioned girl

suzdavis489@yahoo.comAugust 2, 2013 

I was in a doughnut shop the other day trying to decide which belly bomb to buy when the young thing behind the counter suggested an “old fashioned.”

She said, “Lots of the seniors like these.” I gave her a sideways glance and muttered, “Careful …”

Looking nervous, she began some serious backpedaling. I’m not sure what she thought I was going to do — leap over the counter and start getting crazy with the glaze? Oldfashioned indeed! I’m over it though, so today I’d like to discuss three other important senior issues: marijuana delivery services, skydiving and roller derby. Doughtnuts only figure in obliquely.

Marijuana delivery: I have some fundamental questions. I’m curious about the ads I’ve seen in the free newspaper. Do delivery drivers cruise around with magnetic 3-D signs on top of the car like the pizza guys? If they’re 10 minutes late do you get it free? I haven’t smoked much pot, even in the ’60s, because I’m sort of an “under-control” person and I hate to embarrass myself in public. Actually, a half glass of wine and an empty stomach can turn me into the life of the party — if it’s a rather dull party.

I’ve read recently that more seniors are admitting to smoking pot. I’m a little worried about killing off any more brain cells than absolutely necessary, but I certainly won’t rule out the possibility down the road. A delivery service would be very handy and drivers might even bring Doritos with your prescription. I’m sure it would sparkle up my golden years, and probably my children would be more inclined to visit, thinking, “Let’s go and watch mom get baked!”

I took a look at the medicinal weed products offered online. There are the infamous edibles — cookies and brownies, but further down the list, one could find hot sauce, barbecue sauce and lozenges. Now that might add a new dimension to baby back ribs and a nagging cold.

Skydiving: I, like most of the AARP set, have thought I might like to try it some day, and I did go so far as to peruse the website, which talks about the gorgeous view and the adrenaline rush. But just between you and me, my major worry is bladder control. I’d hate to get fraught with anxiety, like when I was a 7-year-old, shaking in my saddle shoes at the thought of getting caught during an intense game of hide and seek. Perhaps if I called the pot delivery truck before I leave for the airport ...

On the skydive website, there’s a link to FAQ. I love those, when I finally remember what the letters stand for. All of the following questions are real, but I admit I did make up a few of the answers. See if you can tell which.

FAQs:

1. Can I breathe during free fall? Usually. (BTW, this would be a major consideration for me. I am fond of breathing. It’s a passion I’ve developed over the years.)

2. Is the fall hard? Usually no worse than jumping off a chair. (This gave me pause. Although I haven’t had an occasion to jump off a chair lately, I have thought about it — but I was worried I might break a hip.)

3. How high do we go? Depends on if the previously mentioned delivery service is involved, I suppose.

4. What if my parachute doesn’t open? Ummm

5. Is it scary? Well duh.

Roller Derby: About a year ago I wrote a column about roller derby and subsequently got an email from the coach, inviting me and my old lady friends to come and try it out. He promised that the derby girls would mentor us. After much discussion we declined, thinking that too many opportunities might present themselves for shattering body parts. You’re a lot closer to the ground than with skydiving, but you are landing on concrete. And remember, when you jump out of an airplane, you only hit the ground once. Somehow, that just seems safer.

For now, maybe I’ll just stick to an occasional doughtnut. Perhaps a decent sugar rush is all I really need, and I’m sure the counter girl would love another chance to tell me how young I look.

Suzanne Davis is happily retired and living in the South County with her husband and their three dogs.

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