Last Friday, I attended the debate between Lois Capps and Abel Maldonado sponsored by The Tribune. Ive respected and followed both politicians for years. I wanted to hear what they had to say so I could ultimately decide how to vote.
It seems I was in the minority.
Supporters on both sides were far more intent on rallying their causes than on listening to the politicians talk. When the candidates were introduced, some followers stood up and raucously cheered, encouraging others in the audience to follow suit. If they disagreed with a candidates statement, they shamelessly booed or laughed.
The debate moderators, members of the League of Women Voters, did their best to control the crowd. Still, the hostility was relentless and filled the room like secondhand smoke.
I must admit, I quickly chose my favorite. I soon knew where my X was going to go. But I never felt a need to demean the other candidate. That seemed completely uncalled for in a civilized debate.
In fact, democracy requires that rules of decorum be upheld. If were going to discuss how best to handle the problems we face as a community or as a nation, we need to do so in a courteous way. If we dont, chaos quickly ensues. We stop focusing on the issues and instead beat each other to an emotional pulp.
What happens, especially during elections, is that relationships assume a boo-hiss persona, where folks from opposing parties feel its their right to be surly and rude. They rationalize, Hes an idiot! I dont have to be polite. Then they proceed along their degrading path.
The truth is that we all view the world through different lenses. We arrived in this country via different avenues, and we celebrate holidays that are uniquely our own. Our differences dont have to divide us. Theyre merely descriptors, like freckled skin or curly hair.
The ultimate chasm is our lack of civility, the inner voice that says, I cant like you. You think differently than I do.
Instead of berating folks from different viewpoints, we should focus on how were similar. We all want to care for our children and pay the rent. We want to feel safe. We want to engage in self-satisfying pursuits. Yes, we may follow different roadmaps. Eventually we wind up at the same place.
HOW TO BE MORE CIVIL IN THE FACE OF DISAGREEMENT
Remember your manners. We all know the basic please-and-thank-you rules. Now is the time to put them to good use. Your behavior sets an example for others to follow.
Carefully choose your words. Words pack a powerful punch. They can make others feel safe and admired. Or they can be instantly degrading and pernicious. Select words that demonstrate high regard for your opponent. Avoid all forms of namecalling or put-downs.
Honor the others right to hold different viewpoints. Its OK that you disagree. That doesnt mean your opponent is less worthy.
Find common ground. Youre probably alike in more ways than youre different. When you highlight similarities you promote a stronger bond and feel more simpatico.
Back away from heated discussion. The best way to avoid an argument is not to have one. If you sense that things are heating up, say, Hey, this is getting too intense. We certainly dont need to fight about this. Then change to a more pleasant subject or walk away.
Problem-solve in a neutral manner. Sometimes we have to resolve a tough issue with someone of a different stripe. To do so, identify the topic. Agree that its a challenging subject. Express your willingness to reach a compromise. Devise a few workable solutions. Keep your emotions at bay.
Control your temper. Anger is the death knell for civil interactions. It signifies youre out of control. The issue is no longer neutral, its charged with negative juju. Nothing will get resolved until youve settled down.
Share the stage. Let others express their sentiments. Give them equal air space. Talking over them means youre not listening and says, Im more important than you.
Linda Lewis Griffith is a local marriage and family therapist. For information or to contact her visit http://lindalewisgriffith.com.